Deal or No Deal?

Sympathy.  How much?  How little?  When do you let your kids cry it out?  When do you tell them to suck it up?

When your teenager moans to you that there’s “always something that has to be done” (ie: homework, chores, family events) and that she wishes the family had more money for “fun stuff” (ie:  clothes, electronics, vacations), do you let her know that you understand, or do you impatiently tell her “Yeah, tell me about it!”?

When your other daughters cry over tiny injustices (usually caused by siblings) and murmur about homework time, do you smooth them over the bumps or tell them to grow up?

When your son looks at you with puppy eyes when you’ve maybe disciplined in haste, do you tell him that he brought it on himself, or do you back up and see where you might have wronged?

Sometimes I go in circles thinking that I am creating emotionally dependent children, because I will almost always choose the path of sympathy.  Does this teach them that they need other people to make them feel better, or am I teaching them to pause, feel, reflect, and go on?  My HOPE is that I am modeling compassion to them, and that when they are emotionally sophisticated enough to understand how things work, they will be mature enough to need me a little less (this is already becoming true for the 13yr old).

The other night we were at a family member’s house, and an incident occured which helped me to stop waffling in my convictions on how to parent my children.  One of my daughters came in, complaining that the flip-flops she was wearing weren’t sturdy enough to use while riding the rope swing in the backyard.  The shoes kept flying off, leaving her bare feed to rub raw on the rope.  Ok, true, not a big deal.  But the family member my daughter was addressing said, “Oh!  Come ON!  Just deal with it!  I’m sorry, but you’re talking to me.  You should know you’re not getting any sympathy here!!”  I’ve heard this family member say this about herself before – with almost a hint of pride – that she has no sympathy for her kids when they’re whining.  I guess I understand not wanting to feed into that whiney behavior – but how about offering a solution?  A suggestion that might work?  Or if there’s no solution in sight, maybe just say “Sorry, kiddo, it looks like you’ll have to choose between the rope swing or no swing.” 

Because you know what I think happens when a kid knows their concerns won’t be taken seriously?  They stop coming to you.  I could see it my daughter’s face when this person addressed her like that.  There was a mix of surprise, disappointment, and an expression of “Well, ok, forget you!”  And face it, we don’t always know how big or small our children’s concerns are in their eyes.  I think we’re too quick to assign our own, ADULT, judgement to things.  These are kids, remember – kids!

But this doesn’t only happen with kids.  Think about it for yourself.  It’s been a long day with your two children, you’re talking on the phone with a friend and when you express your fatigue she tells you, “Yeah, well try having 4 kids under 5 years old!  Tell me THEN who’s the tired one!”  This happens, right?  Someone always has a bigger fish tale, and we all know people who’d rather tell you theirs instead of quietly listening to you and letting you express your own concerns.  And how do you feel about those types of people?  Do you continue to share your thoughts and feelings with them?  Probably not.

I don’t know – I just think there’s a danger in shutting the door to our children at such a young age.  They don’t always know what is appropriate in terms of getting all worked up – so I think we need to show a little patience and help them navigate it.  I’m not saying give IN to it – it’s certainly a balancing act.  But don’t shut them off altogether and give them the impression that we just won’t hear it.  That’s my bottom line, and with tissue, a backrub, bandaid, or big hug, I’m sticking to it.